Shadow's Secrets
by TiGGs96
Summary: Everyone has been afraid of the dark. Everyone had nightmares. The fearless gets scared, the protector needs protection, the know-it-all needs a reminder, the child needs a father, the adult needs the children. Who do you go to for comfort?
1. Reminders

Night in the sewers was dark, darker than they normally are. While the alleyways above ground can get drenched in shadows, the moon will eventually rise over. In the sewers thought, the moon doesn't exist. And in the shadows, creatures that live and breathe the dark flourish.

But the familiar shadows are a double-edged sword. Not only do creatures thrive in the dark, they also attack. The blackness defends you and disguises you, it protects and injure, it is a place where both birth and death can happen. Despite all this, sometimes the best way to fight off the shadows was to know that another is in it.

Splinter knew this well, being a master of the shadows. He lived here, in the sewers, in the dark, and so do his sons. They all were masters in fighting with and against the dark. Being ninja, you have to recognize if it was you friend or foe in battle. But before they were masters, however, they were students.

Splinter had to teach his sons about the good in dark, how there is protection where the "monsters" lied. Each has their own quiet tales on conquering their fear. He himself needed a reminder or two when raising them.

But now, the night is gone, and the sun has risen. His sons are asleep, in the dark despite the sun above the concrete. Splinter slowed his breathing, easing himself back to sleep.

Night will return, and the family here will review their lessons.

* * *

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles belongs to Nickelodeon and to whoever created them.


	2. In the Beginning

Day is coming, but the lair he lives in is still dark. We all saw the sunlight's rays split the clouds through the grates above. We all saw the black sky turn purple, and the gray clouds pink. We all feared it, the unfamiliar colors were very different from what we normally saw. But Splinter said that the sky changing color was a normal thing. It happens when the night turns to day.

I didn't like it, and neither do my brothers. Splinter said that the light was bad, that the things above our homes were bad. He said that those things above would hurt us all, capture us, trap us, hunts us down. Splinter is like our father, but he isn't, he's a rat. My brothers and I are turtles. He is our caretaker, not our dad.

He has fur, we don't. He has ears, we don't. He has a large nose, ours are little. He has four fingers, we have three. There are too many differences, he cannot be one of us.

We like how he feeds us, we like how he keeps us safe, we like how he shelters us, so we follow him. He doesn't mind. He gives us good food, he warns us of danger, and he keeps us down here where the water is. Yes, he is a good rat to follow.

But it is cold, and dark. It gets very, very dark down here. The water is safety, but it also dark. It's not safe, but the light is no better. The light is tricky, it is warm. It takes away the dark and cold, it makes us sleepy, it makes us unsafe. The dark is unsafe. It blinds us, and we can't see. I can't see my brothers in the dark, and that is scary!

Splinter says that dark is good thought, and he brings safety to us. He finds my brothers and keeps us close, making the dark less scary. He holds us, making us feet warm under his paws. Yes, he is a good rat to follow.

But the dark is still cold and scary…

* * *

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles belongs to Nickelodeon and to whomever created them.


	3. The Protector

Late at night, me and my brothers have nightmares. Yes, including me. The Hothead, the stubborn one, the rebellious one, Raphael. Everyone turns to someone for comfort, and for different reasons.

When we were little, we all went to Splinter when we had trouble sleeping. But as we got older, we thought of it as a sign of weakness. We still had nightmares however. One of us would wake up to only flee to another's bedroom. When Mikey has a dream spawned from a horror movie, he goes to Leo. When Donnie feels like a robot, he goes to Mikey. When Leo stiffs in bed because of his false failures, he comes to me to smack some sense back.

But when I get nightmares, I only go to one person.

This night was a very bad one, I was still shaking. The lair was pitch black, but my eyes still darted around the area for foes. I know I was silent, years of ninja training coming subconsciously to me, but my shallow breathing sounded too loud. My shoulders were cramped, my head wanting to instinctually curl into my safe shell.

I hated when I get like this, it's as if I'm a pitiful pet turtle again! I hated that I had no control over this particular fear, my will isn't strong enough. Whenever I do get like this, I would always freeze up with horror. I would always feel surrounded, scanning my room for enemies. I would look under my bed, through my covers, across the ceiling, and then bolt out as quietly as I could.

I've been doing this for years, ever since the first dream of many haunted me. I would always go to the first turtle who helped me get through he first time.

I didn't even glance at the two doors that lead to two of my brothers, and I didn't even consider knocking on Splinter's door. No, I headed strait for my protector. The silent stalk only took a few, measly seconds to the door, but the little stroll seemed to be a city-wide trek now. I was twitchy, no, spastic. I kept pausing to see where I was stepping was safe, my head was twirling non-stop, and I had a constant twitch in my right eye.

I didn't knock when I entered Donnie's room, I just started talking. "Hey Don, I had a bad dream."

Screw pride, I was terrified.

Donatello somehow slumped upwards, eyes still closed. He took a small yawn, showing me his gap, and gently rubbed his cheek. He didn't leave the bed, he just sat there as he turned his head in my general direction.

"Another one…" I think it was meant to be a question, but whenever he talked it always seemed like he ended his thoughts halfway. But this was the norm.

"Yeah, it was like the rest," I walked closer, "but I actually found one in my room when I woke up!" I slumped across from him, my arms hiding my head like another shell.

To anyone else, I would be shivering with shame, angry at myself for showing weakness. But here, with Donnie, I was shivering with fear. Here, now, Donnie can't judge me. He always drives himself to exhaustion, whether physically or mentally, and shuts down completely when he sleeps. Thus, his drowsy state forgets everything that happens here, including these embarrassing talks.

"What's happening Donnie, they're just bugs! I'm able to squish all kinds of bugs, but not this one. Why are cockroaches the only thing that make me feel squeamish?"

"Trauma…possibly…"

The best part about these kind of talks, Donnie's super brain sleep-thinks.

"Explain what trauma is."

"Trauma is a sort of shock that scars the brain after a certain event… sort of… like phantom pains…"

You gotta love the walking internet.

"But I never had that. I never had anything be so bad that it scarred me, not with cockroaches."

Cockroaches, the one fear that never goes away. I don't remember when it started, but they always make my skin crawl. They don't bite, they don't sting, but every single time I lay eyes on one, I flip out. The thought of one of them, out of the millions I KNOW are down here, makes me feel so frightened. This wasn't a normal fear either, but something that makes me freeze, something that makes me stop thinking clearly, something that makes breathing hard, something that I can't face. I told Splinter about it, but not one of his lessons had helped, and I was too ashamed to tell him so.

Which leaves me here, with a sleep-deprived Don to help my problems. He helped me before, when I was just a tot. When I woke up from a nightmare and find Splinter outside of the lair, the first room I ran to was Donnie's. He was still as drowsy as today, but he knew far less. Still helped me though, explaining that monsters don't exist. Listing off the reasons the creature in my mind wasn't even scary, providing me with facts he memorized from one of his many books, this had helped greatly. Now I don't get scared of any of Mikey's monster movies anymore.

I tried to thank him the day after, but he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. Once I had another nightmare, I went to Donnie again, and again, and again. Never once did he mention these night talks.

"What makes cockroaches so scary?" I turned to him, dreading his answer. Was it the way their legs twitch and skitter? Was it the way their long antennae scrap across the surface? Or just the fact they have the ability to fly?

I was shaking again, and this time, I did curl inwards. My arms were cramped in my unnaturally small shell, but my arms had more room with my legs still out. My neck was hidden, leaving only half of my head our in the open air. I peered over my plastron and checked Donnie's for any signs of the bug. I glanced under his bed, checked the dresser, grazed the walls and looked at the ceiling.

"They can spit…"

I blinked. "What?"

"Like flies, they lick a trail wherever they go…spreading all types of bacteria on the surfaces…"

So, they would be licking over everything? All over me?! With them gone, I would have a part of them on me?! I made my arms hug tighter, allowing my legs to squeeze inside.

"…also…fascinating…one of the toughest to kill…"

Oh no, I'm really starting to regret asking that question!

"…able to survive explosions…different toxins…and survive a week without it's head…"

I let out a soft scream, being mindful of the others sleeping. I tucked my head all the way in, and not allowing anything else to enter. My shell was dark, cramped, and stuffy, but it was the only place I could be safe. I can't feel their tiny legs skitter on my shell, or see them past my shield, I was safe here.

"Why!" I groaned, my voice sounding very muffled through my shell. "Why a cockroach?! Why them?! Why do they make me so afraid?! There not even here! Why am I so afraid!"

I wasn't expecting an answer, my voice was too muffled, there was no way Don could hear or understand me. He probably fell back asleep, that happens sometimes. If he ran himself down enough, he would drop in the middle of the talk, snoozing no matter what I did to wake him back up.

I didn't understand, why was I scared? I didn't even know about these facts before, but now I was more scared of them then I ever was! I was never their spit that scared me, nor that they could become actual zombies, it was the simple sight of their brown backs that makes me scream in terror. It didn't make sense, how could the simple _sight_ of one of those monsters make me stiff?They didn't have anything that looks scary, no pincers, no horns, no claws, why do they scare me so! Why does one bug, not a swarm,but _one bug_ makes me hid in my shell!? Why does the very _thought_ of seeing one make me twitch and go insane?! WHY!?

"Phobia…maybe…"

"Huh?" He heard me? I couldn't even hear myself, how did he understand me?

Don seemed to take my question for an explanation, not surprise. "Phobias are unexplained fears…like…allergies…an overreaction to something…sometimes unexplainable…"

He bobbed his head, once, twice, he was turning off on me. I needed him to stay awake, this was the best answer yet!

"Go on, keep going. What else is there to a phobia?" I poked my head out, barely.

He jerked back up, answering on command. "There a mental problem…there are many phobias…fear of close spaces…girls…doors…cats…bugs…" He was drooping again.

"Fear of bugs! Is there a fear of cockroaches? Only cockroaches?" I had my limbs out, hurling myself to Don. I grabbed his shoulders, gently, and straitened his back. I need to hear this.

"Katsaridaphobia…fear of roaches…" He was fading fast, but I needed to hear one more thing.

"How do I get rid of it? How do you get rid of a phobia!?" I shook him, ignoring the voice telling me that it could wake him up.

"Mental illness…unexplainable…can't go away…always there…a true phobia never leaves…"

I dropped him, letting him land softly on his pillow. But I didn't move from his bed. I stayed there, me nearly falling over the edge of the mattress. I looked at Don's sleeping form, begging him to sit back up and say it was a joke. I wanted him to tell me what I needed to do, I needed him to answer my questions.

He didn't even twitch.

I went back to my room, dejected. I sat back down on my bed, another fear replacing the other. I took the time to glance at Spike, wanting to speak to someone who will answer my question. Alas, Spike was just a shell, not even stirring from my absence. I was the only person conscious, the only one here in the dark.

'_Mental illness…unexplainable…'_

Well it's true, I have a phobia, an unexplainable fear over something stupid. I guess I should be happy it wasn't anything even more dumb, like a door, but the thought didn't help.

'_..can't go away…'_

So this 'illness' will stay? There is no cure?

'…_always there…'_

I was stuck with it, there was no cure. I will be forever be plagued with this helplessness, this weakness. I'm no fighter, I'm just a turtle with no shell. I'm no warrior, I'm a pathetic handicap. I'm no ninja, just some useless pet.

'…_a true phobia never leaves…'_

A true phobia? I blinked, the thought making me come out of my sullen moment.

A true phobia, so, there are false ones? There was a chance that I can break this fear?! I perked up, sitting up strait.

So this fear can be broken? I could beat it? I could be free of it?! But how? I lied down, my mind crowded with thoughts.

How would I beat it? Do I need to think about how harmless they are? Do I need to think about my power over them? On how much bigger I am, on how stronger I am? On how some bug would be pierced just as easily as my sais would to the practice dummy?

Yeah, I'm a lot stronger than some bug. I was able to take down Leo in training today, what is one bug going to do? Lick me? Hah! Mikey does worst when he bakes with sewer-washed hands! What's a bug going to do? Loose it's head? It won't matter, it's little body will be nothing but mush when I'm through with it!

I turned to my side, smiling.

I'm going to break this fear, once and for all. I'm going to be a fighter, I won't give up. I'm going to be a warrior, one who is fearless. I'm going to be a ninja, one who is strong enough to protect my brothers.

I closed my eyes, sending out one last though through my mouth.

"Thanks Don, for everything."

Like every other night, the shadows kept quite.

* * *

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles belongs to Nickelodeon and to whomever first created them.


End file.
